1 Year later, 1 Year wiser

Today is the 19th of March (incase you didnt know), a year ago today at approximately 3am I was awoken from my slumber to agonising pain. This was following some events which lead to the loss of 'friends' and the distance that came between me and someone much closer to my heart. So on top of a poo pile this was added...yay!
Anyway, unlike usual there was seemingly no end to this ... I went through months of trying to deal with the pain on my own back. I've never been someone who enjoys moaning about my life, even when I could do with a good vent. So I struggled.. in semi silence.
Those were the darkest months of my life. What I'm about to admit to may shock some people, but for the purposes of telling my story, I will. In those months I thought about ways in which I could end it all. Life as I knew it was so bad I didnt think I would cope any longer. I had no job, not really any money, I was stuck living with my parents (I had well and truly outgrown them), someone so close in my heart felt so far away, I considered doing other things that I know had I done them I would be regretting them now and I was trapped in an endless cycle of pain. During this time I placed a smile upon my face and attended church as usual in the vain hope it would conceal my inner turmoil. In the deepest pit I called to the only place I could think of, if anyone could help me...it would be God (although my belief in this moment was somewhat lacking).
The pain I was experiencing was as far as I could tell at the time related to my future of having children.. or rather the looming probability that I would never be able to. Any women who read this would be able to understand how big a deal this is to alot of us. Take a moment to imagine the possibility and ask yourself how would you feel? Over this time I eventually... looked to God. I prayed without response for a while, after much prayer for healing and personal prayer for help God revealed to me a promise of a future involving little feet :) hurrahh!!! He even told me the name.. which after reading a verse and the name of the child which means ' to have peace or rest' I think it's pretty clear where it came from. I'll let you look for the name yourself ;)
I was passed about from doctor to doctor ...I even went to one hospital...which if you ask i may tell you... and by the head of Gynae was told that I couldnt possibly have the exact thing I was eventually diagnosed with.
I soon moved hospitals to Liverpool womens hospital (It's awesome :D ) within a month of my appointment I had a Laparoscopy (a small op where they stick a camera through belly button and have a wander round to see whats up.) This was on the 20th October.. which was great to have clarity after so long but also rather annoyingly close to my birthday. Following the op I was diagnosed with Endometriosis (a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries.) A condition which I believe is closely tied with hormones ... so as I like to call it.. I'm to much of a woman. hahha.
After spending a year taking painkillers of various kinds( to see which works best of course), being in pain 24/7 and occasionally being rudely awaken. I have learnt that it's possible to live most days with a smile on my face, even if somedays I feel like a crazy person -(Nearly crying in the shop because the cash machine didnt work.. cant really explain that one haha.)
I have been promised a future. I dont understand why I've not been healed yet and I may never fully understand that but I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible and for that I am thankful.
I am backwards to all those other women with the condition who seem to find heat helps whereas my body likes to be different. I can't have baths because of the heat... i shall look forward to a nice one of them in the future. So I shall now reach for my deep freeze patch (new best friend) and settle down with a cuppa.
I hope this isnt too ranty but encouraging .. hopeful and insightful.
Woo life......


Vicky :)

p.s. Tea has helped ALOT!