Today is the 19th of March (incase you didnt know), a year ago today at approximately 3am I was awoken from my slumber to agonising pain. This was following some events which lead to the loss of 'friends' and the distance that came between me and someone much closer to my heart. So on top of a poo pile this was added...yay!
Anyway, unlike usual there was seemingly no end to this ... I went through months of trying to deal with the pain on my own back. I've never been someone who enjoys moaning about my life, even when I could do with a good vent. So I struggled.. in semi silence.
Those were the darkest months of my life. What I'm about to admit to may shock some people, but for the purposes of telling my story, I will. In those months I thought about ways in which I could end it all. Life as I knew it was so bad I didnt think I would cope any longer. I had no job, not really any money, I was stuck living with my parents (I had well and truly outgrown them), someone so close in my heart felt so far away, I considered doing other things that I know had I done them I would be regretting them now and I was trapped in an endless cycle of pain. During this time I placed a smile upon my face and attended church as usual in the vain hope it would conceal my inner turmoil. In the deepest pit I called to the only place I could think of, if anyone could help me...it would be God (although my belief in this moment was somewhat lacking).
The pain I was experiencing was as far as I could tell at the time related to my future of having children.. or rather the looming probability that I would never be able to. Any women who read this would be able to understand how big a deal this is to alot of us. Take a moment to imagine the possibility and ask yourself how would you feel? Over this time I eventually... looked to God. I prayed without response for a while, after much prayer for healing and personal prayer for help God revealed to me a promise of a future involving little feet :) hurrahh!!! He even told me the name.. which after reading a verse and the name of the child which means ' to have peace or rest' I think it's pretty clear where it came from. I'll let you look for the name yourself ;)
I was passed about from doctor to doctor ...I even went to one hospital...which if you ask i may tell you... and by the head of Gynae was told that I couldnt possibly have the exact thing I was eventually diagnosed with.
I soon moved hospitals to Liverpool womens hospital (It's awesome :D ) within a month of my appointment I had a Laparoscopy (a small op where they stick a camera through belly button and have a wander round to see whats up.) This was on the 20th October.. which was great to have clarity after so long but also rather annoyingly close to my birthday. Following the op I was diagnosed with Endometriosis (a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus (endometrium) appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries.) A condition which I believe is closely tied with hormones ... so as I like to call it.. I'm to much of a woman. hahha.
After spending a year taking painkillers of various kinds( to see which works best of course), being in pain 24/7 and occasionally being rudely awaken. I have learnt that it's possible to live most days with a smile on my face, even if somedays I feel like a crazy person -(Nearly crying in the shop because the cash machine didnt work.. cant really explain that one haha.)
I have been promised a future. I dont understand why I've not been healed yet and I may never fully understand that but I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible and for that I am thankful.
I am backwards to all those other women with the condition who seem to find heat helps whereas my body likes to be different. I can't have baths because of the heat... i shall look forward to a nice one of them in the future. So I shall now reach for my deep freeze patch (new best friend) and settle down with a cuppa.
I hope this isnt too ranty but encouraging .. hopeful and insightful.
Woo life......
Vicky :)
p.s. Tea has helped ALOT!
Monday 19 March 2012
Saturday 12 February 2011
Makes Me Think
This I dont think will be too long a post. I've just been doing a spot of stumbling and have hit a spot of reflection.
I first was reminded of this site...http://8tracks.com/jennanoel/love-is-a-poor-mans-food?play=1&prev_mix=632 with different themed playlists. Next i stumbled across another site. http://makesmethink.com/top
As I began to read through the various posts I suddenly realised just how amazing the hearts of people can really be, as well as the ability of people to pick themselves up and carry on. I sit here my eyes constantly welling up on the verge of crying yet i push back against the urge in the fear that my sister or dad may notice and wonder whats up. The truth is ...people/creation is truly beautiful and that right there is what brings me to tears.
I just read this post ; Today, a complete stranger outside a local coffee shop was holding a sign that said, "Free Hugs." I hesitated at first, but then I decided to give her a hug. Truthfully, it felt great! MMT
It has over 2000 people who agreed that this had made them think too.
About a month ago me and my best friend went out to town with signs saying "Free Hugs" this made me remember how many random people smiled at me that night, how many people took me up on my offer without me saying a word.
People just need to know someone cares. Most people are just longing for a hug.
I first was reminded of this site...http://8tracks.com/jennanoel/love-is-a-poor-mans-food?play=1&prev_mix=632 with different themed playlists. Next i stumbled across another site. http://makesmethink.com/top
As I began to read through the various posts I suddenly realised just how amazing the hearts of people can really be, as well as the ability of people to pick themselves up and carry on. I sit here my eyes constantly welling up on the verge of crying yet i push back against the urge in the fear that my sister or dad may notice and wonder whats up. The truth is ...people/creation is truly beautiful and that right there is what brings me to tears.
I just read this post ; Today, a complete stranger outside a local coffee shop was holding a sign that said, "Free Hugs." I hesitated at first, but then I decided to give her a hug. Truthfully, it felt great! MMT
It has over 2000 people who agreed that this had made them think too.
About a month ago me and my best friend went out to town with signs saying "Free Hugs" this made me remember how many random people smiled at me that night, how many people took me up on my offer without me saying a word.
People just need to know someone cares. Most people are just longing for a hug.
Saturday 29 January 2011
It's a Wonderful Life,,.
So last time I wrote in here I was working everyday in every weather knocking on peoples doors and telling them how much they should save a lickle doggy. As much as I love the Dogs and when I'm earning good few pennies I will most probably donate some to the cause myself, those days are gone. The "job" starts to make you feel demoralised and inhuman. The push to be greedy and go out of your way to push that extra sale as opposed to simply finding the nice people who can afford to and want to contribute, it just made me feel angry and annoyed at my employers more than anything else. So I quit... and although I'm currently lacking in money... :) I feel alot more at peace with myself than I was.
I've opened a new chapter in my life. In the last few months since quitting I've battled a few things including ultimate boredem. But I think I gained a few things too. The whole situation taught me a better understanding of different people, what makes people tick. It gave me a new confidence in myself; with a 4 month work experience in Field Sales and only one cancellation ...I have to say I am the tiniest bit proud of myself. Without the ridiculously long hours separating me from the real thing I should focus on in life, God. I feel the last few months have brought me back to his feet, a little dirty, a little sore but better able to listen and learn.
Since probably middle of last year I've suddenly got this love for Dance as well as the already established Music & Drama. I think I'm becoming an all rounder in the arts world. There's a show called Got To Dance on Sky1 (definately not a plug) and I'm addicted. I like to joke that its purely for Adam Garcia.. but honestly I'm drawn in to the movements of the performers, I feel like I'm about to explode into dancing myself. Even watching G.A. the other day there was an episode where this kid loved to dance but his body was about to stop him and the passion within him (probably not helped by the music in the background (Joshua Radin- You Got What I Need)) just inspired me, as does the song. But my heart still deeply lies in Acting.
I have to admit I have no idea what God wants me to do at the moment but my desire in the Arts must be there for a reason. I'm applying for a Masters in Acting to start in September, the course has 14 places. Although I have no idea how I will do...if I will even make the first recall, never mind the 3rd/4th I feel I should apply. The way I see it now is, if God wants me there I have absolutely nothing to worry about, and that sets a deep peace within me :D.
A girl named Jessica who is also applying for September contacted me on Facebook out of the blue last month. We've been talking on and off and shes a really nice person. We've sort of been encouraging and helping each other along, shes travelling so I'm going to the open day and I am planning to tell her all from my trip. Have to admit its rather exciting :D
Sometimes its easy to get lost in the moments, or to ride on the everday. With so much time without anything to do or banging ones head on the keyboard with yet another job application sometimes its hard to focus on the true guide in life. The one who really gets you to where you have to go. God should always be our main focus, our guide, Dad. It's easy to forget that in the midst of frustration. I for one am learning.
The title of this blog is from a film pretty much everybody in the world has heard of. Yesterday, I watched it on youtube for the first time.....ever. At 22 years old I feel this is quite an impressive achievement. Its a good film for reflection, to remind you the effect one person can have on so many peoples lifes. I do wonder what life would be like without me, or without someone else.
Matt, my brother reminds me of this. As many know hes currently in hospital after an operation he had on his lung. He is much more of an influencial and valued person than I think even he realises. He has had such a high demand of visitors or people caring and asking after him. Not to mention the patients he has spent so much time learning to save.
People saving people they dont even know, Doctors truly are amazing!!
Well for now as my mind is over flowing with thought I shall leave it at that. I hope it made some sense. Thanks for taking time to read :)
V-dog
P.S. I genuinely... love hospitals (weird huh)
I've opened a new chapter in my life. In the last few months since quitting I've battled a few things including ultimate boredem. But I think I gained a few things too. The whole situation taught me a better understanding of different people, what makes people tick. It gave me a new confidence in myself; with a 4 month work experience in Field Sales and only one cancellation ...I have to say I am the tiniest bit proud of myself. Without the ridiculously long hours separating me from the real thing I should focus on in life, God. I feel the last few months have brought me back to his feet, a little dirty, a little sore but better able to listen and learn.
Since probably middle of last year I've suddenly got this love for Dance as well as the already established Music & Drama. I think I'm becoming an all rounder in the arts world. There's a show called Got To Dance on Sky1 (definately not a plug) and I'm addicted. I like to joke that its purely for Adam Garcia.. but honestly I'm drawn in to the movements of the performers, I feel like I'm about to explode into dancing myself. Even watching G.A. the other day there was an episode where this kid loved to dance but his body was about to stop him and the passion within him (probably not helped by the music in the background (Joshua Radin- You Got What I Need)) just inspired me, as does the song. But my heart still deeply lies in Acting.
I have to admit I have no idea what God wants me to do at the moment but my desire in the Arts must be there for a reason. I'm applying for a Masters in Acting to start in September, the course has 14 places. Although I have no idea how I will do...if I will even make the first recall, never mind the 3rd/4th I feel I should apply. The way I see it now is, if God wants me there I have absolutely nothing to worry about, and that sets a deep peace within me :D.
A girl named Jessica who is also applying for September contacted me on Facebook out of the blue last month. We've been talking on and off and shes a really nice person. We've sort of been encouraging and helping each other along, shes travelling so I'm going to the open day and I am planning to tell her all from my trip. Have to admit its rather exciting :D
Sometimes its easy to get lost in the moments, or to ride on the everday. With so much time without anything to do or banging ones head on the keyboard with yet another job application sometimes its hard to focus on the true guide in life. The one who really gets you to where you have to go. God should always be our main focus, our guide, Dad. It's easy to forget that in the midst of frustration. I for one am learning.
The title of this blog is from a film pretty much everybody in the world has heard of. Yesterday, I watched it on youtube for the first time.....ever. At 22 years old I feel this is quite an impressive achievement. Its a good film for reflection, to remind you the effect one person can have on so many peoples lifes. I do wonder what life would be like without me, or without someone else.
Matt, my brother reminds me of this. As many know hes currently in hospital after an operation he had on his lung. He is much more of an influencial and valued person than I think even he realises. He has had such a high demand of visitors or people caring and asking after him. Not to mention the patients he has spent so much time learning to save.
People saving people they dont even know, Doctors truly are amazing!!
Well for now as my mind is over flowing with thought I shall leave it at that. I hope it made some sense. Thanks for taking time to read :)
V-dog
P.S. I genuinely... love hospitals (weird huh)
Monday 1 November 2010
A brew or two.
I have failed miserably at being a far more regular blogger... but with being inspired i have decided to expand my blogging and attempt to be good at it.
Today i had the most bizarrest ( is this a word?! Who knows) of days.
My job basically requires me to be an all weather girl, now.... I am finding this increasingly difficult. I just dont feel pretty after being flooded and wind swept with crazy hair by the end of the day.
Yes, I am that 'annoying person' who knocks on your door when you least expect it and tries to get you to talk to them for a bit and maybe even sponsor a dog too. That person ... yeh thats me.
Today i met a fairly old guy. Incredibly interesting man he was. I think he was autistic slightly or something anyway. He was building a Model Boat of huge proportions it was amazing, delicate and complex structures clearly came highly in this mans fascination and I too was intrigued. He was trying to explain his "condition" or why he was the way he was and he just couldn't seem to control his words enough to explain. He was such a genuine guy I didn't want to walk away. I didn't care that the guy couldn't give me the sponsorship that i needed he was just so interesting to watch. Bruce ...the model boat man who gave a bar of chocolate and wanted nothing in return. I raise my glass to you.
Also on my way home after a long day of working I saw a young fox. Not a regular sight in the middle of Huyton I'm assuming. It was such a shock of nature in the midst of humanity that I literally had to stop and say... did that just happen!? Gorgeous creature, it was a shame our meeting was merely brief.
My final word of this blog is that I do believe I have become obsessed with tea. I cannot stop drinking the stuff, and the thing that makes me happiest at the end of the day is a nice cup o brew. And to aid my obsession of this me and my bestie discovered a new coffee shop... or should I say tea shop called Brew. I have a feeling I'll become a frequent member of this filtering tea awesome wonderment and I'm guessing she may be joining me there too.
x
Today i had the most bizarrest ( is this a word?! Who knows) of days.
My job basically requires me to be an all weather girl, now.... I am finding this increasingly difficult. I just dont feel pretty after being flooded and wind swept with crazy hair by the end of the day.
Yes, I am that 'annoying person' who knocks on your door when you least expect it and tries to get you to talk to them for a bit and maybe even sponsor a dog too. That person ... yeh thats me.
Today i met a fairly old guy. Incredibly interesting man he was. I think he was autistic slightly or something anyway. He was building a Model Boat of huge proportions it was amazing, delicate and complex structures clearly came highly in this mans fascination and I too was intrigued. He was trying to explain his "condition" or why he was the way he was and he just couldn't seem to control his words enough to explain. He was such a genuine guy I didn't want to walk away. I didn't care that the guy couldn't give me the sponsorship that i needed he was just so interesting to watch. Bruce ...the model boat man who gave a bar of chocolate and wanted nothing in return. I raise my glass to you.
Also on my way home after a long day of working I saw a young fox. Not a regular sight in the middle of Huyton I'm assuming. It was such a shock of nature in the midst of humanity that I literally had to stop and say... did that just happen!? Gorgeous creature, it was a shame our meeting was merely brief.
My final word of this blog is that I do believe I have become obsessed with tea. I cannot stop drinking the stuff, and the thing that makes me happiest at the end of the day is a nice cup o brew. And to aid my obsession of this me and my bestie discovered a new coffee shop... or should I say tea shop called Brew. I have a feeling I'll become a frequent member of this filtering tea awesome wonderment and I'm guessing she may be joining me there too.
x
Monday 8 March 2010
Apologies
So i prepared you for my rambles yet did not bother to ramble... false advertisement i know.
i shall write you a brand new ramble... exciting..
x
i shall write you a brand new ramble... exciting..
x
Tuesday 1 September 2009
Welcome
This is my first online blogging page...
So... prepare yourselfs for the ramblings that are inevitable..
:D
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